Processing

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Narcissism or reflection? That is the question. Fall. A season of change. In every possible way I feel so stretched, uncomfortably so. I keep looking back or finding myself being super lazy and afraid, unable to move forward. There are centimeters of progress regardless of my will power, but I know that the truth of the matter is it requires more from me. That’s the whole point of it I think. To grow me or something along those lines. What an uncomfortable thing it is to say yes to failure and slow progress and crazy things that grow character without the immediate benefit of reaping huge visible and tangible reward. The growth shall be my reward. Wah. Such a baby. Yup, Lord once again for eternity, I need your help. Be the reason, my motivation. The reason behind my yeses and nos. The reason behind all the in betweens. Fall… A season of change. I would like to see more fall colors here in the bay. That would be encouraging. A writer described places without a recognizable fall season as a death to summer, rather than an obviously transitional period where leaves are physically changing colors. Fall, fall, fall. I want that to be me. Not just a death but mm a change.

Narcissism or reflection? That is the question. Fall. A season of change. In every possible way I feel so stretched, uncomfortably so. I keep looking back or finding myself being super lazy and afraid, unable to move forward. There are centimeters of progress regardless of my will power, but I know that the truth of the matter is it requires more from me. That’s the whole point of it I think. To grow me or something along those lines. What an uncomfortable thing it is to say yes to failure and slow progress and crazy things that grow character without the immediate benefit of reaping huge visible and tangible reward. The growth shall be my reward. Wah. Such a baby. Yup, Lord once again for eternity, I need your help. Be the reason, my motivation. The reason behind my yeses and nos. The reason behind all the in betweens. Fall… A season of change. I would like to see more fall colors here in the bay. That would be encouraging. A writer described places without a recognizable fall season as a death to summer, rather than an obviously transitional period where leaves are physically changing colors. Fall, fall, fall. I want that to be me. Not just a death but mm a change.

Relations

Who you are is who you are in relation to…

What you are is what you are in relation to…

When you are is when you are in relation to…

Where you are is where you are in relation to…

How you are is how you are in relation to…

…literally sitting here with my mouth open

i want to learn these things

pins and brooches <3

with the sun disappearing and all…cranberries in mah belly, cranberries on mah feet!

Last night I fell in love again
With the same boy I loved when I was eleven

Did I see him
Did I see him through
Did I see him
Or did I see you

Things have surely changed
And I for one am not the same

Did I love him
Or did I love his hair
Did I love him
Or just his long held stares
Did I love him
Or was I just that naive
Did I love him
Doesn’t matter
Cause he’s still not you to me

And when I awoke from my sleep
I wished it was you who walked through my dream

But I didn’t see you
I didn’t see you there
Didn’t see you
Or your geled back hair
Didn’t see you
Didn’t hear you say my name
Didn’t see you
Cause boy you never came

Things have surely changed
But we for two are not the same

Did you love me
Cause you said it once
Did you love me
Probably not as much
As I loved you
But my love is not enough
Cause time time time
And your love love love love
Are two things
This hopeful
hopeless romantic
Can only sing of

I need your life
But I’m not willing to die
Change my heart
Change my heart
Change my heart
And change my mind

Cause what is life without you
And who am I without you
I know that there are feelings
But there’s also choice with every morning

The smell of salmon lingers on me
And the fly in the kitchen has found its way to me
I try to find solace in the words sung by a stranger
Maybe too afraid or too tired to string my own
Another morning another day
New mercies
But I’m so tired of trying
How can the pursuit of someone so life giving be turned into something so exhausting
If my friend told me that she wanted to sit in a bay of sulk, I would pray and be by her side until one day she was happy
But for my own
It is easier to sit in misery
Without any company
And I know that the only thing god cannot really force is my own yes to him
And the way and heart with which I seek him
And I know in my heart that there’s no other way id rather take
None other that would satisfy me
So…
Here I am trying to find some more sadness in me
But I know
It would be easier and much more efficient for me to just be honest
Lord
I’m tired
But I know you’re proud of me
I know that you see me
I know that you know me
I’d like to see you and know you with half as much passion as you do unto me
But I wouldn’t think it possible
I know I know I know
Some days I am so weary
Burdened by the trivial troubles of this world
And then I come to you
Honestly
And all of it fades
I talk to you
And when I open my eyes
I am rested