Processing

Holy stress balls
I’ve never really been one to stress too much
But with more responsibilities these days
And more accountability to the loved ones around me
I see it creeping in
I used to be so carefree
But I think a huge chunk of that confidence was rooted in the fact that no one was really counting on me
There were no expectations
I asked god for humility
And man
It’s been difficult
I see my flaws and shortcomings more and more clearly
To a point where all I can do is cry
And receive more of his love for me
He is never shocked when i fail
When I fall short
Why then am i so surprised by my nature?

Humbled

I’m flying out to New York tonight with Yising

All I can do is go with my hands in front of me open wide

Surrender

There’s a deep insecurity
That comes with all the possibilities as to who I am
It’s frightening because the world has never known all of me before
Another Me has yet to exist
But the scary part is allowing myself to be that person even when I do not fully know
I know that there is one who knows all of me
And his name is Love
Only he knows the thoughts in my mind the words on my tongue and my inner spirit even when these things remain unknown to me
Yising told me that what she loves about art is the search
And I think when she said this it really humbled me
The fact that I can in no way possibly know fully
Even the one whom I love
Jesus
I live to know more each day
But he is so vast and his thoughts outnumber the grains of sand
This life
Is to know him
The next as well
I want to be open in sharing my process with the world
Because I am convinced that it is everything
The Lord says that he is who he is
And I want to be as much as who I am as well
To reflect the qualities of him that I admire so much
Love joy peace patience kindness
Perseverance
A warrior spirit
to know The Lord
Would take all of eternity
And I wonder if I am as complex
Since I have been made in his image
Or if I am not
Because I was born a sinner

… I can’t wait to see how all the threads in my life connect

But for now it’s just tumblr posts, pictures, and songs…

I feel like David who wrote psalms
Things are always a little more dramatic w me
In the easy times
The tough times
And the mundane times
I’m always wanting to express myself
I think that god admires our sincerity
No matter how untruthful our sincerity may be
Since sincerity is not synonymous with truth
I think he still cares to hear us out
When we come to him w an honest and seeking heart
His heart for us is like that
He’s honest enough to tell us the truth and to grow us
But tender enough to be the listening ear and shoulder to cry on

Tender

I’ve been feeling that word these days for sure
But leaning more towards raw

Tender and raw
My heart is

Just being grown I suppose

“For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long…”

– Psalm 32

Hmm I don’t want to be afraid to be weak, to be wrong, to be last, to need improvements…

I would like to acknowledge these things about myself humbly and press onward

Had to express
And now I can move onward

I can be a total ass when my reputation is on the line
I thought I didnt care for these things
But I hate looking weak
Like eff
To look like a failure to the world
I hate it so much
I was so mean to my dad today
I feel like a bitch
Ugh

I don’t even want to hear mom talk

How is it possible
Or more so
Why is it that as I get increasingly older
That I find more issues with myself?

My flaws are so magnified these days
Does that mean I’m drawing closer to you lord?
That because of your perfection
I look like shit?
I think it really is the reality of things
And I think I just need to swallow my pride
And get over it
To allow myself to be weak
To be a failure
If it means having to trust in him and him alone
To be the source of my strength and identity

Ugh
Life is hard

I want reconciliation

But it really hurts
To die to myself

There’s a lot of anger I harbor against her.
She is kind beautiful gentle and serving
But I never have actually gotten to know her
She is like a stranger to me
I hold heavy expectations over her head that have not been met
Her heart has always been for others
And I saw how when done w wrong motive, how it would just drain her.
Everybody saw a saint
But I saw a wreck
I saw someone not loved enough
Someone who sacrificed and gave
Seeking the affections and support of those around her
She makes me so angry.
I refuse to give her that support.
It is difficult to come into agreement w her because I’ve been hurt by her
I can’t tell at times when it’s religious games or actually love
Because if she loved me, wouldn’t she try harder? Wouldn’t she joyfully surrender, joyfully give? Without keeping count?
I hate how much I love her because I don’t think she is deserving of my love
But I know that neither of us are deserving of any
I want reconciliation
But I think that means that I don’t get to be right
Even if it’s all true
Does she even think of me?
Me? ME?
Who I am beyond my exterior?
Beyond my health and career?
Does she even want to be a part of my life?
I want a friend
I want a partner
I want a mom

As I sit here on this balcony
next to a succulent of used cigarettes placed intricately in moms wooden planter which also holds her dying baby tomatoes, a crystallized rock I found in Catalina and gifted to Oppah, a single wooden chopstick with a blue striped bottom, an empty vitamin water flavored kiwi-strawberry, and some other trash, I am inspired. The sun is resting on/hitting all of me. It’s funny how something as strong as the sum can be so peaceful. But when taken in in larger doses, it is blinding and uncomfortable. I want to and am currently basking in all of it’s glory, or so it feels like. I look down and I see a black squirrel making its way around each patch of grass looking for a treat. I also see a huge black bumble bee hovering left and right over the pink cherry blossoms on the tree in front of me. It is getting way too hot. Until next time, goodbye balcony.

Freedom to be exactly where I am in this relationship

What a relief it is to know that you love me
Despite all my iniquities and flaws
You chose me
You knew exactly what you’d be getting before you entered into this crazy mess of my life
But you still chose me
You chose and constantly choose to still love me

A faithful god you have been
Gracious beyond what I could have imagined up for myself

I want to know you more

I am thankful that there is no pressure on me to perform for you
To have to prove my worth to you
Because I am and know that I am so unworthy
But still you love me
Still you call me

I am humbled
In the best way
And so thankful
Joyfully thankful

That you would call me
And wait for me
Despite my opposition
Despite my complete misunderstandings of who you really are
Despite my disobedience and flat out rejection of you

You are truly the lover of my soul

It’s from you who I learn how to love through
I only love because you first loved me

I’m sorry that i complicated things and didn’t love you right

I know now that all I need and want is to spend more time with you

I didn’t know you
And couldn’t love you because I didn’t know you

I made it much more complex in my head
With what if you’re not real
What if you don’t show
What if I fail you
What if I don’t want to obey

But it always boils down to this
Love

There is faith hope and love
But the greatest of these is you